Peace that surpasses desire

  John and I have been married for 4 and half years. We have three kids that we absolutely adore. Declan is kind and imaginative. Finley is playful and always has a smile on her face. Willow is determined, curious, and yet a little reserved. Our home is full of toys, diapers, and a trail of cheerios. We look around and our hearts are full yet we know this is only the beginning of our family's story.  

  Before we were married, we were having a casual conversation and I randomly said out loud "I have always felt like I won't be able to have kids on my own." I surprised myself when it came out. Not because it was a randomly heavy statement in a casual conversation (I am pretty good at that), but because before that moment, I don't think I had ever really admitted it to myself. We talked about how we both would love to adopt for a minute and that was the end of the conversation. 

  Fast forward to married life. We knew we wanted to start a family of our own right away. A honeymoon baby would have been a dream come true for me. We tried for 8 months and got naturally pregnant with our son, Declan! We were THRILLED! Right after he was born, we were trying for another one. Months went by and something just didn't feel right. We went to see our doctor and she immediately also knew something was not right so then begins, what seemed like, an unending amount of tests. She eventually referred us to a fertility specialist where we tried anything and everything. In-vitro Fertilization was going to be our final try. We got 5 perfect embryos, transferred two, got pregnant with twins! We were the happiest people on the planet. We added the two sweetest little girls to our family, Finley and Willow. We love the chaotic and sweet life we have with 3 littles. Soon it became time to try again and we began preparing for our FINAL IVF transfer. We transferred three excellent embryos hoping and praying for triplets. Crazy? Maybe. It's illegal in Europe to transfer more than one and it's common practice here, now, to only transfer one at a time but our doctor knew us well by now. He went to bat for us when other doctors told us we were INSANE. He knew and fully believed that we were destined to have a big family and that we could handle it. Unfortunately, I miscarried all three babies. To say we were heartbroken would not even begin to explain how we felt. 

  While mourning the loss, we began to see things in a whole new light. God was working in our hearts well before we knew that we would never get to hold those three precious babies. We were always so nervous and anxious about if we were going to be able to get pregnant with another baby, that we failed to see what God was calling us to do. We failed to see how beautiful our journey already was and was about to become. Adoption was always going to be a part of our story. We knew that. God had laid that on our hearts before we ever had Declan. Yet in our own plans, it was always after our very specifically planned 5-7 biological children. At this point, we knew we were done with fertility treatments and began to pray about our next steps. 

  God made it  obvious very quickly that His plan for us was adoption. We were excited and hopeful yet scared. Where would we get the money from? How long would it take? Where do we even begin? Most of our questions are still not answered yet God very firmly told John that we needed to TRUST and move forward in faith. That's not always easy for a type-A planner like John but he noticed something that he could not refute. When we started saying yes to Christ instead of "not now" or "hold on," the peace we had surpassed every desire and expectation we had.

  In the many detours God has sent us on, we have gotten smaller and He has gotten bigger. This season of life we are entering holds a lot of uncertainty yet we feel His presence in every step and therefore are filled with joy. I can look back now at those moments where all I could focus on was what we were lacking and those moments that Satan yelled in my ear "you are a dud," and realize that Jesus was ever so tenderly carrying me and whispering "you are worth the greater plan I have in store for you." Someone shared Proverbs 27:7 with me relating to our struggles with infertility and it didn't make sense to me until I was able to look back with thankfulness and forward with peace:

“The satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” Proverbs 27:7