Thoughts of an over-tired almost-adoptive mom...

I have tried to sit down and write a new blog post for days but I just couldn't. I realized that was because I really couldn't identify how I was feeling. I am still not sure I am totally making sense of the thousands of emotions I am feeling so there is no flow in this post, it is literally separate rambling paragraphs. 

The last few weeks have been intense for us. While trying to wrap up our home study, I have started working and John has taken a second job. On top of that, we have tried raising some of the funds and I have been really busy with my Etsy shop (which has been a huge blessing). We wouldn't have it any other way. Life has never made so much sense and been so peaceful to us which is odd because it has also never been so chaotic.

We have felt about every emotion in the book lately. There have been days where I felt coming up with the money was impossible and in tears. Then there was the night a youth from church joyfully gave us a jar full of change - which ended up being $123. He will probably never know the impact he had on our family. I don't think either of us had ever understood the word give more than in that moment. God was clearly telling me "chill...I got this."  We have felt hurt, joy, and comfort. We cannot even begin to express how grateful we are for the love and support we have been shown. God never ceases to amaze me how He uses people to remind us who is in control.

In our first post, we talked a lot about our loss but I wanted to make sure that Jast baby #4 knows adoption is not our plan B. Yes, we have had a long journey to get here. We had a lot of heartbreak along the way as well. However, we are adopting because God has called us to do so! We have 3 biological children and if we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we are fairly certain we could get pregnant again. I have heard, "well, hopefully you will still be able to have your own." I had to think about that and here is my answer: YES, I will! Absolutely. I will have my own  children but I will not carry them for 9 months before they are born. My adopted children will be my own and that is a beautiful thing! I am thankful people are asking about our adoption and encouraging us in so many ways. Please continue to do so! Pretty much nothing you say or ask can offend us because it has also probably run through our heads at one point! This is really new for us and we are learning as we go along.

Adoption has already changed us and we have barely scraped the surface. Things we never even considered in our very comfortable life now consume the way we think. There is a good chance our baby will be a minority. I got angry the other day when I noticed all the emojis on my phone are white. Yes, emojis - those dumb faces on an iPhone. Beyond them all being white, I was angry that I have never noticed they were all white. Ever since the emoji incident, I have been on a rampage to rid myself of my white privilege way of thinking. Don't even get me started on band-aids or baby dolls!

Can we all please through understanding out the window? This is something I know I have struggled with and continue to do so. I always want to know "why?" I have heard several times now, or maybe just convinced myself, that because people don't understand our situation, they have put some distant between us (or maybe they are worried I'll throw a MudLove bracelet at them...which is very possible at this point). I've tried to realize in my own life that it should not matter how much or how little I understand a person's situation. God clearly does not want me to understand everything. So here is to moving on and making ourselves uncomfortable to be there for someone or at least trying to do so! It's okay that you may not know what to say about us losing our triplets, but it's okay to say something. It's okay that you may not know anything about adoption or get why we are even doing it, but it's okay to say something. When people in our life's situation makes us uncomfortable and we don't understand it, that is probably a sign we should reach out to them! Life is crazy but somehow, it seems a little less crazy when you have genuine support around you.

Lastly, let me plea to you to learn about adoption! Learn about why it is important. Learn about what the Bible says about it. Learn about how you can be involved in it even if God has told you not to adopt. Learn about families going through adoption. Here is an article I read that I felt really summed up Christian's role in adoption. Please take the time to read it, you won't be disappointed!

“Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (James 1:27)

Peace that surpasses desire

  John and I have been married for 4 and half years. We have three kids that we absolutely adore. Declan is kind and imaginative. Finley is playful and always has a smile on her face. Willow is determined, curious, and yet a little reserved. Our home is full of toys, diapers, and a trail of cheerios. We look around and our hearts are full yet we know this is only the beginning of our family's story.  

  Before we were married, we were having a casual conversation and I randomly said out loud "I have always felt like I won't be able to have kids on my own." I surprised myself when it came out. Not because it was a randomly heavy statement in a casual conversation (I am pretty good at that), but because before that moment, I don't think I had ever really admitted it to myself. We talked about how we both would love to adopt for a minute and that was the end of the conversation. 

  Fast forward to married life. We knew we wanted to start a family of our own right away. A honeymoon baby would have been a dream come true for me. We tried for 8 months and got naturally pregnant with our son, Declan! We were THRILLED! Right after he was born, we were trying for another one. Months went by and something just didn't feel right. We went to see our doctor and she immediately also knew something was not right so then begins, what seemed like, an unending amount of tests. She eventually referred us to a fertility specialist where we tried anything and everything. In-vitro Fertilization was going to be our final try. We got 5 perfect embryos, transferred two, got pregnant with twins! We were the happiest people on the planet. We added the two sweetest little girls to our family, Finley and Willow. We love the chaotic and sweet life we have with 3 littles. Soon it became time to try again and we began preparing for our FINAL IVF transfer. We transferred three excellent embryos hoping and praying for triplets. Crazy? Maybe. It's illegal in Europe to transfer more than one and it's common practice here, now, to only transfer one at a time but our doctor knew us well by now. He went to bat for us when other doctors told us we were INSANE. He knew and fully believed that we were destined to have a big family and that we could handle it. Unfortunately, I miscarried all three babies. To say we were heartbroken would not even begin to explain how we felt. 

  While mourning the loss, we began to see things in a whole new light. God was working in our hearts well before we knew that we would never get to hold those three precious babies. We were always so nervous and anxious about if we were going to be able to get pregnant with another baby, that we failed to see what God was calling us to do. We failed to see how beautiful our journey already was and was about to become. Adoption was always going to be a part of our story. We knew that. God had laid that on our hearts before we ever had Declan. Yet in our own plans, it was always after our very specifically planned 5-7 biological children. At this point, we knew we were done with fertility treatments and began to pray about our next steps. 

  God made it  obvious very quickly that His plan for us was adoption. We were excited and hopeful yet scared. Where would we get the money from? How long would it take? Where do we even begin? Most of our questions are still not answered yet God very firmly told John that we needed to TRUST and move forward in faith. That's not always easy for a type-A planner like John but he noticed something that he could not refute. When we started saying yes to Christ instead of "not now" or "hold on," the peace we had surpassed every desire and expectation we had.

  In the many detours God has sent us on, we have gotten smaller and He has gotten bigger. This season of life we are entering holds a lot of uncertainty yet we feel His presence in every step and therefore are filled with joy. I can look back now at those moments where all I could focus on was what we were lacking and those moments that Satan yelled in my ear "you are a dud," and realize that Jesus was ever so tenderly carrying me and whispering "you are worth the greater plan I have in store for you." Someone shared Proverbs 27:7 with me relating to our struggles with infertility and it didn't make sense to me until I was able to look back with thankfulness and forward with peace:

“The satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” Proverbs 27:7